Professor STAFF,

I just wanted to say thank you. Without your help last quarter I never would have gotten an A this quarter. Thanks again and I hope all is well.

-Student

Student,

That’s really great to hear. You were an excellent student, and I wish you the absolute best in your future endeavors.

-Professor STAFF

Professor STAFF, this is Student from your ewrit2 class on m/w. I wanted to talk to you about my grade. I feel like I tried very hard on the final portfolio, and I deserved a better grade than a D. I would like to know my final points, and percentages. I really needed this class to be transferrable and I was surprised that the effort I put forth was not realized in my final grade. If you could email me back it would be much appreciated.
Thanks, Student

Dear Student,

Essay 1 – 128 points (64%)
Essay 2 – 146 points (73%)
Essay 3 – 138 points (69%)
Quizzes – 114 points (57%)
Journals – 85 points (85%)
Portfolio – 69 points (69%)

Total 680 points (68%) = D

I wouldn’t call a 57% on the quizzes putting forth much effort. Nor would I call a final essay that fails to meet even the minimum page requirements a considerable effort either (5 page minimum, yours was half a page short of this minimum). You knew since day one that failure to score well on the daily quizzes would hurt your overall score, and you knew that failure to even meet the minimum page requirement for your essay would almost certainly assure you of a non-passing score for that paper. Considering that you got a D on your first essay, and a very low C on your second, I am surprised that you are this shocked by your final grade. Finally, your portfolio required a revision of three (3) writer’s journals, yet you only included one (1): this also assured you of a low score for that section of your grade.

I hope this clears up any confusion you may have.

Professor STAFF

I know I am a college instructor, and not high school teacher, but I
thought I’d share his little diatribe anyway because it does spark some very
interesting points relating to my profession.

Please keep in mind the Maher is a comedian first, and political commentator
second, and also that this contains a little rough language.

New Rule: Let’s Not Fire the Teachers When Students Don’t Learn — Let’s Fire the Parents

-Bill Maher

New Rule: Let’s not fire the teachers when students don’t learn – let’s fire the parents. Last week President Obama defended the firing of every single teacher in a struggling high school in a poor Rhode Island neighborhood. And the kids were outraged. They said, “Why blame our teachers?” and “Who’s President Obama?” I think it was Whitney Houston who said, “I believe that children are our future – teach them well and let them lead the way.” And that’s the last sound piece of educational advice this country has gotten – from a crack head in the ’80’s.

Yes, America has found its new boogeyman to blame for our crumbling educational system. It’s just too easy to blame the teachers, what with their cushy teachers’ lounges, their fat-cat salaries, and their absolute authority in deciding who gets a hall pass. We all remember high school – canning the entire faculty is a nationwide revenge fantasy. Take that, Mrs. Crabtree! And guess what? We’re chewing gum and no, we didn’t bring enough for everybody.

But isn’t it convenient that once again it turns out that the problem isn’t us, and the fix is something that doesn’t require us to change our behavior or spend any money. It’s so simple: Fire the bad teachers, hire good ones from some undisclosed location, and hey, while we’re at it let’s cut taxes more. It’s the kind of comprehensive educational solution that could only come from a completely ignorant people.

Firing all the teachers may feel good – we’re Americans, kicking people when they’re down is what we do – but it’s not really their fault. Now, undeniably, there are some bad teachers out there. They don’t know the material, they don’t make things interesting, they have sex with the same kid every day instead of spreading the love around… But every school has crappy teachers. Yale has crappy teachers – they must, they gave us George Bush.

According to all the studies, it doesn’t matter what teachers do. Although everyone appreciates foreplay. What matters is what parents do. The number one predictor of a child’s academic success is parental involvement. It doesn’t even matter if your kid goes to private or public school. So save the twenty grand a year and treat yourself to a nice vacation away from the little bastards.

It’s also been proven that just having books in the house makes a huge difference in a child’s development. If your home is adorned with nothing but Hummel dolls, DVD’s, and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations, you’ve just given your children the gift of Duh. Sarah Palin said recently she wrote on her hand because her father used to do it. I rest my case.

When there are no books in the house, and there are no parents in the house, you know who raises the kids? That’s right, the television. Kids aren’t keeping up with their studies; they’re keeping up with the Kardashians. We’re allowing the television, as babysitter, to turn us into a nation of slutty idiots. By the way, one sign your 9-year-old may be watching too much One Tree Hill: if she has an imaginary friend with benefits.

To: Instructors with Missing Grade Rosters
From: Division Dean
Date: January 11, 2010
Re: Missing Final Grade Rosters

Attached is a list of missing final grade rosters sent to me by Admissions and Records. Your name is on this list. Please follow the directions in the attached email from Admissions and Records staff to enter the final grades.

Per California Education Code, you must submit your grade rosters, in a timely fashion, at the end of each semester. They were due on January 4, 2010.

Sure enough, my name was on the list, conveiently highlighted by my Division Dean.

ENGL 267B – Professor STAFF

There’s only one problem: I did not have any students in English 267B. This college offers what are called AB courses, meaning a student can take them twice. The first time they take a course, they take A, in this case English 267A. If the student passed and wanted to take it again, they would enroll in English 267 B. I teach both A and B students in the same room, and thus get paid for teaching one course, English 267 AB.

So the reason that I have not submitted grade rosters for English 267 B is that I was never given a grade roster for 267 B, because I had 0 enrolled students in last semester (all the students were first timers taking English 267 A). Rosters are actually submitted online, and the computer does not even allow for me to select 267 B. After all, it has 0 enrolled students.

The fact that a class with 0 enrolled students would pass along so many desks of so many people, all of whom are supposed to be doing their job in some kind of supervisory or administrative fashion, yet not one of them would notice that the class has no students is very disheartening.

Instructors are losing their jobs left and right, and yet there is an army of handsomely paid, full-time, benefit receiving administrators and staff who seem to do little more than forward emails and create a lot of paperwork in order to justify their positions.

It is also disheartening that I, a lowly, underpaid, non-benefit receiving instructor immediately noticed that all but a few of the other names on this forwarded list have one thing in common: they are all instructors of B courses. Obviously, these other instructors had 0 enrolled students in the B section of their class. How could all the people at Admissions and Records, as well as the Division Dean, have completely missed this easily noticeable fact?

The answer: they never even looked into it. None of them questioned why all these teachers would be so negligent with their grade rosters. None of them contacted any of the instructors personally to speak to them about this issue. Not one of them even looked at the enrollment numbers for any of these classes. They just stamped out a form letter and sent it off to 25 college instructors.

So now I need to email about three people in regards to this. Why do I need to email three people, you ask? Well, past experience has taught me that an email to this particular Division Dean will likely result in a reply back that it is not her problem, and that I am the one who has to contact Admissions and Records about this error. Often, they never write back at all.

So off an email goes to the Division Dean, her secretary (sorry! sorry! Administrative Assistant), and this random administrator of Admissions and Records.

Last year I made ten resolutions, and managed to accomplish about half of them (this website being one of them).  Not bad for someone who spent several months with a cast on his foot!

The biggest promise to myself this new year is to never again make the mistake of last July, when I committed myself to a six day a week intense workload.  This is another reason why not all of my former resolutions were met, let alone the lack of regular updates to this blog.  I found myself being offered more and more classes, and considering both the economy at large and the fact that my state was firing adjunct professors left and right, I accepted everything I could.  The paychecks were great, but my life was hell.  I never saw my wife, was tired and exhausted and cranky all the time, and at the end my health just shattered and I barely made it to the end of the semester.

Never again.

Worst of all was that I started to hate my job.  The quality of my work went downhill, something that did not make me happy about going in to class everyday.  Also, I began losing all my patience with my students as well as the rest of the college staff.  Doing something that you hate is not how I want to live my life.  I love teaching, and I need to not only keep my hours reasonable, but I need to remember that the recurring frustrations of the job are something to be laughed off and left behind; not taken with you the cost of your own personal joy.

So that’s one resolution, I suppose.  The rest are either new, or continued from last year.

Shall we go backwards?  Nah, these are in no particular order.

*Approach my job as a fulfilling and joyful part of my life.

*Get in shape; lose weight.

*Finish editing my novel.

*Write those two short stories that I’ve been dawdling on.

*Start new novel.

*Actively seek publication for my writing.

*Learn Spanish.  Yes, Spanish.  I was born and raised in Los Angeles and it is fucking shameful that I don’t speak this.

*Take fencing lessons.  Doesn’t that sound cool?*

*Get readers together for English 1A, 1B, 2, etc (I’ll make a post about this later, but I have a rather fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants style as far as reading materials and associated quizzes are concerned.  I grab articles out of yesterday’s newspapers, rotate short stories, etc.  A more solid collection for each class of reading assignments, and their related quizzes and writer’s journals, will ensure more organization and less prep time on my part).

*Buy a house and get some chickens for the backyard.  Yea, you heard me. Why do you think I took so much work last year?  I had something in mind to save for.

I’m not a fan of the site, and you’ll hear a critique from me about it eventually, but it is nice every now and then to hear you’re doing a good job.

These emails took place after my emails with the student, but before our conversation.

Division Dean,

You are the Dean of Language Art department? My name is Student I got your information from college web site, I have a request, I need a late drop. My story is I enrolled in English 1B with professor STAFF. About three weeks before Nov 13 I stop going to class but did not try to drop until Nov 12 when I try to drop online. Unfortunately my record is on hold and I could not do it and I could not go in to school the next day because the school is close in observance of Veterans day. I send two emails to professor STAFF on Nov 12 and 13 asking him to drop me from the class but he said he did not received the emails even though the same address is used with other correspondence with the professor he did receive. I can not mistype the address on those emails drop request because his email is in my address book and I am selecting it every time I sent email to professor STAFF. I have the two emails that I sent to professor STAFF. Can you help? Thanks.

Regards,

Student

Hello Student,

In order for me to approve a late drop your instructor needs to initiate the paperwork and approve it. Then he needs to send it to me for approval.

best,

Division Dean

Division Dean, I will call professor STAFF to ask him to start the paperwork but if he won’t do it can you talk to him? Also how long do I have to do this? I am sorry for my procrastination.

Thanks sincerely,

Student

Hi Student,

I will not approve any late drops unless the instructor has approved it and the reasons are valid. You need to talk to Professor STAFF and request that he approves the late drop because of the miscommunication with the email.

This should be done ASAP.

best,

Division Dean

Right about now is when our phone conversation took place. Let me point out that the dean was quite clear that she can’t (and won’t) do anything unless I approve. I have already told the student I do not approve, and in our phone conversation I was also quite clear on this point. So here’s the email the student sent, with a CC to me, and my department chair.

Division Dean,

I talked to professor STAFF just now and he said that he will not do the late drop because it is my responsibility to follow up. He said that I am an annoyance to you that you do not care about what happened and as he is concerned this conversation is final and don’t call him anymore. I only call him once just now! That’s a lot to take in so early in the day.

Thanks for everything,

Student

So I was forced to write a letter with a CC to both the division dean and my department chair.

Student,

I did say that my decision was final, but I never referred to you as an annoyance. I did request that you not call me at home at 8:00 in the morning, and that request still stands.

I know that you may feel that I do not care about the difficulties of your situation, but I do. However, given that you did not have excessive absences as of the drop date, it was up to you to drop the class if you no longer wished to attend. I did not hear any desire from you to drop the class until the very end of the quarter.

I am sorry, but I will not be requesting a late drop for you.

-Professor STAFF

Student: Will you request a late drop?

Me: No.

Student: Why not.

Me: Because it was your responsibility to drop, and you waited until the end of the quarter to contact me.

Student: So, will you request a late drop?

Me: No.

Student: But WHY NOT?

Right around the time my left ear started to bleed, she finally broke from the circle.

Student: I will go to the dean and she will make you give me a late drop.

Me: The dean can’t do that. It is my call, not hers.

Student: I will convince her.

Me: Again, she doesn’t have the ability to force me to give you a late drop.

Student: So you will give me a late drop if I don’t go to the dean?

On and on. Finally, it was time for me to end this conversation. Again, since this was a phone call, I am paraphrasing.

Me: As I said before, my decision is final. I have explained my reasons, and I will not change my stance on this. Going to the dean will not help, because there is absolutely nothing she can do and you are just going to be pestering her needlessly. I need to go now.

Student: You cannot stop me from going to the dean!

Me: Feel free. In the future, please do not call me at 8:00 AM.

Professor STAFF,

Can you please drop me from the class. Can you confirm that you do?

Thanks

Student

Student,

I’m sorry, but I cannot drop students after November 13. In the future, you should not request or rely upon an instructor to drop you from a class, but drop yourself either online or at Admissions & Records.

-Professor STAFF

Professor STAFF,

I have a hold on my record and can not do it online I am going to go to record and submit a drop slip but then the school is close today. Can you please drop me from the class and let me know that I am dropped from the class.

Thank you so much

-Student

Student,

As I said in my prior email, I can no longer drop students, and it is not my responsibility to do so. Talk to Admissions & Records.

-Professor STAFF

Professor STAFF,

I sent you two emails on Nov 12 and 13 asking you to drop me from the class but do not heard a reply from you. Can you let me know why am I not drop from the class?

Thanks

Student

Student,

Again, you will need to check with Admissions & Records regarding this, but I believe that they cannot drop you this late in the quarter. Again, it is a student’s own responsibility to drop classes. I did not receive any emails from you regarding this, but it sounds like you tried contacting me after the drop date anyway.

-Professor STAFF

Professor STAFF,

The dropping deadline is Nov 13 I have problem with my record and can not do it myself so I send you the request on time. I don’t think I can drop now. Why do you not receive my emails?

Student

Student,

You may (emphasis on may) have sent the request on time, but you sent it to the wrong place. Although I have the ability to drop students if they have excessive absences, I am not the person students should contact for class drops. The proper office for dealing with this is, again, Admission & Records, not me.

Emails, like all things, can get lost or accidently sent to the wrong address. I never got your original request, but if I had then I would have told you that you need to go to Admissions & Records and drop the class yourself. As it stands, you attended most of the class. You stopped attending shortly before the drop date, and then tried to email me at the very last minute with a request for a drop. You got no response from me, and any check of your enrollment would have showed that you were not dropped from the class. All of this was about a month ago.

Now you are shocked to find that I did not drop you from the class last month. I am shocked that over the course of the last four weeks that you never checked whether you were still in the class. Either way, I can not and will not drop you at this point.

-Professor STAFF

This next letter was forwarded to me by my department chair. It seems my student did the next logical thing: try and go above my head.

Mr. Department Chair,

My name is Student and I left you a voicemail a couple of hours
earlier, I also stop by the department’s office. I asked that if I can have
a late drop because I just checked at registration and it shows that I still
enrolled in English 1B. I enrolled in 1B but stop going to class about
three weeks before Nov 13. On Nov 12 I try to drop the class online but
couldn’t because my record is on hold. I send Professor STAFF two
emails asking him to drop me from the class. I then send an email 10 days
later asking professor STAFF whether I am dropped but professor STAFF reply
that he did not receive the emails. But I am using the same email address
to correspond with professor STAFF and he received all the other messages
except for the drop one. I can not type the wrong address because his
address is in my address book and I just select it. Can you please let me
know if I can do a late drop? Thanks

Regards,

Student

PS: I include the first email I send. I will follow with the second email.

I love it when students try and go over my head to my department chair or division dean. They always tell them the same thing: they have no authority to make me do anything. The following was a CC from the department chair.

Student–
Unfortunately, I do not have the authority to drop you from your
class–that is between you and your instructor. At this point, I
think your chances of getting a drop processed are slim, since it is
past the due date, but you can ask your instructor to request an
appeal with Admissions & Records for which the Language Arts Dean’s
signature recommendation will be required.

Sincerely,

English Department Chair

I will not request an appeal with Admissions & Records on behalf of this student. My reasons are: (1) it was student’s own responsibility to drop themselves from the class, (2) I am not convinced this student ever sent an email to me in the first place, (3) if an email was sent, then it was at the very last minute and should not have been considered an assured drop for the class, (4) student waited an entire month before checking to see if the class was dropped, (5) student attended a majority of the class, turning in major assignment and participating fully until a week or two before the drop date, therefor I had no evidence of excessive absences until after the final drop date, and thus consider myself absolved of any responsibility.

This type of exchange is very typical; I shall have to post more of these emails as they seem very popular. Students feel they can badger or hammer away at me until I cave. When that fails, and it always fails, they usually go over my head. When my department chair or division dean tells them this is not the same as complaining about a waiter at a restaurant, and they literally can not compel me to take any different action, then the student usually badgers and hammers away at them. What an absolute waste of time! I also find these sort of situations dispiriting over time.

Hello Professor STAFF. This is Student, SID#########, from the EWRT 1B 3:45-5:50pm class. I arrived to class around 4:35 on Thursday 12/03 and class was locked and empty. I know our portfolio’s were due that day but I wasn’t off of work until 4 and getting out to campus at that out is a real difficulty. I had no choice but to turn in the portfolio to your mailbox and to be honest, I am still freaking out about it. I don’t want to fail because I had work that day and was late to class, I had my portfolio done on the due day. I left a note on the inside of the portfolio and wrote professor STAFF on the cover of the file folder. It is a dark blue folder. Anyway I looked around the parking lot and wandered around campus hoping to see you or another classmate but still, all my worrying and stressing has left me incessantly rambling on a very simple email. I worked pretty hard on it, well, i worked hard on all the papers in the class. I have ADD and am finally getting treatment, as of this week, but regardless, I am really worried about this. It’s hard but it was really nice to be in a class where lost apathy and desired to succeed. Please email me back with the standing of my portfolio or in the class. See you in EWRT 2 next quarter.

without wax
-Student

Dear Student,

You could not have been outside the room at 4:35, because I stayed an entire hour waiting for you (until 4:45 PM). The deadline for the portfolio was 3:45 PM. I made this quite clear, and I stressed that I would not wait for you (even though I did) and that if you do not turn in your final exam portfolio then you fail the class.

Why would you think that getting off work at 4:00 PM on the day that a major assignment was due at 3:45 PM was acceptable?

Why would you wait until Monday night to email me about missing the deadline of last Thursday afternoon?

Let’s see, you also mentioned you have ADD, a pesky case of apathy, and that you’ll see me in EWRT 2. Addressing those in order: I have ADD yet still show up to work on time everyday, apathy to me has always been an ailment of the bourgeois, and no, you will not see me next quarter in EWRT 2, because you are not registered for that class and it is already full with a ten student wait list.

I will give you until midnight tonight to email me your portfolio, which will be heavily penalized. I’m turning in my grade sheets at 12:01 AM, and there will be no further allowances whatsoever.

Please let me know if you have any further questions or concerns.

-Professor STAFF